


Sweet Nothings

by enjolras_lexa



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Bad Flirting, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Bottom Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Dirty Talk, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Flirting, Fluff, Husbands, M/M, No Smut, Praise Kink, Sexual Humor, The husbands are ridiculous folks, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Top Aziraphale (Good Omens), a bit nsfw tho, flirting contest??, i almost forgot the most important tag lol, way too many bad pick-up lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-22 07:37:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19662796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enjolras_lexa/pseuds/enjolras_lexa
Summary: “It wasn’t that Crowley makes a fuss about taking his turn to do chores. Not at all, Az usually thought his husband made the ideal living partner. However, when one or both of them was feeling especially petty, or even just as entertainment, they had a little contest between them: horrible flirting. Pickup lines, dirty talk, innuendos, all bets were off. Whoever laughs or reacts first loses.”





	Sweet Nothings

**Author's Note:**

> Basically what it says on the tin. No smut, but fairly NSFW bc of sexual humour and innuendos. This is so silly but I hope you like it?? Fun fact: I blushed a lot while writing this bc I’m an awkward mess. Enjoy!

“Crowley, it’s your turn to clean the kitchen!” Az called over his shoulder as he went to put the kettle on. They had just had supper (Az had cooked) and the kitchen was a disaster. Mostly because Az had cooked, Crowley was a much neater chef. For a demon, he really hated chaos. But whenever Az made supper, the food was of course lovely but the kitchen always looked destroyed.

The demon groaned from where he was sprawled on the sofa. He didn’t usually eat so whenever he did he was useless for a few hours afterwards at least. And that cake they’d had as well- maybe it had been a bit much. “Miracle it away!” 

“That’s what I was suggesting. For you to do.” Aziraphale waited for a moment, but Crowley failed to take the hint. “Because it’s _your_ turn.”

“And?” Crowley made no motion to get up. 

Az rolled his eyes. “We’re not doing this, are we?”

“Why not? Can’t handle it, angel?” Crowley raised his sunglasses so he could wink at Aziraphale before letting them settle back on the bridge of his nose.

He _winked_. The little bastard had the nerve to wink at him. Az pursed his lips, trying to think of something. “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” he asked without thinking.

“Ouch.” Crowley sat up in surprise. He actually looked rather wounded. “That was out of order.”

Az’s eyes widened. “Oh I’m so sorry dear, it’s just a silly thing the humans say. I’ll try again, er...um... _ah_! You have beautiful eyes, darling. You really do, you know.”

They usually were very amicable about sharing the chores and responsibilities around the house (or rather bookshop-plus-Crowley’s-flat), and it wasn’t that Crowley makes a fuss about taking his turn. Not at all, Az usually thought his husband made the ideal living partner (except when he takes up more than his half of the bed. But even that was cute.). However, when one or both of them was feeling especially petty, or even just as entertainment, they had a little contest between them: horrible flirting. Pickup lines, dirty talk, innuendos, all bets were off. Whoever laughs or reacts first loses. It was especially important that Aziraphale win today because Crowley had won the last one. Cheeky little demon. Aziraphale definitely didn’t feel a wave of affection at the thought. Nope, the adversary was going down. 

“You look cold, want my coat?” Crowley offered insincerely. “It’s very warm, made entirely of husband material.”

“We’re already married you-Do I need a library card to check you out?” the angel said, managing to contain his irritation. (And love. Quite.)

“Excuse me, I’d like to order a sex on the beach. And not the drink.”

“Your hand looks heavy, can I hold it for you?” It was cheesy, but Aziraphale _liked_ that one. It was cute. 

“So you need a lawyer? Let’s talk about getting you off,” Crowley said in a lewd drawl. 

“What crime did I supposedly commit?” Az looked a bit concerned. Angels weren’t criminals, after all (except Gabriel). 

“Stealing my heart?” Crowley tried.

Az gave him a look. “Really Crowley, that was terrible. Er- there’s a lot of upsexy around here, isn’t there?”

“Nice try angel. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I come back later?” Crowley asked.

Az furrowed his brow. “Hang on,” he muttered. “I’m trying to think of an innuendo with ‘come’. Shouldn’t be this hard.”

Crowley fought to contain his laughter. “You’re _so_ oblivious, angel. Look, I’ll even give you another chance: Come here often?”

“I- yes! I could make _you_ come often!” Az said triumphantly. “Ha!”

“I bet you could. They say angels are the best at sex. Demons aren’t bad either, of course. As you know.”

“I might. Know something. About it. Uh, something something, is something in your pocket or are you happy to see me?”

“Can you pass me my toolbox? I’d like to nail you to the wall.”

Az frowned. “After the Crucifixion...well you know.”

“True,” Crowley winced. “That was a bad one. Your turn?” 

“There’s a long one I read somewhere that ends with ‘you’ll get the D later.’ Can I just skip to the end and say that?”

Crowley took his turn, keeping a straight face easily. “I’d like to get it, want to suck you off right now actually,” he said unblushingly.

Az swallowed hard and fought to keep his expression neutral. He even had to perform a small miracle to keep his face from turning red. It wasn’t really cheating. “Well,” he continued, stammering. “I think you’d look....er....really good.... with me....m-my cock.....in your mouth- um down your throat. You’re very....uh.....sexy.”

“Nothing compared to how hot you look when you’re inside me,” Crowley said casually, matter-of-fact. “You’ve got an incredible body regardless angel, but it does look best when it’s fucking me.”

Az was done for. Totally gone. Finished. He needed to change tactics, he decided. He’d lose for sure otherwise. He could never out-innuendo Crowley, the demon had probably invented it, never mind the other things he was saying. The other things that were definitely funny and not hot. Not at all. There was something else he could do however...

“You’re so beautiful, you know,” Aziraphale said softly, looking into Crowley’s amber-golden eyes. “So perfect, so good for me.”

Crowley blinked rapidly. “You- ah- uh- are you sugar? Because you’re sweet. In my mouth.”

“You take my cock so well,” Az murmured. “You’re so gorgeous spread out for me like that.”

“Not fair,” Crowley hissed under his breath. “I want you to mark me up. All over.”

“I love you. You are so loved. And perfect. I love everything about you. And I love that you’re mine. Can you say that for me? Tell me you’re mine.”

“I-er there’s something about Christmas trees and the angel going on top. Because you, y’know. Top. Generally.”

Az smirked a little as he went in for the kill. “Can I kiss you? You’re so pretty when you’re flustered.”

“Y-Yeah Alright.” Crowley held his breath.

Az leaned in, pulling away at the last moment with a positively wicked gloating smile. “I WON!”

(He did kiss him though. After he’d cleaned up. It was only fair.)

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhhhhhhhh 
> 
> Comment/kudos? This was funny to write. Most of these are from tumblr


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